if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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