Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
