probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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