i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
