There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
