when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
