NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
