im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
