I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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