Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
