Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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