Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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