did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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