I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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