My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
