We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
