Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
