the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
