I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
