Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
