wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
