Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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