Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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