We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
