He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
