I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
