yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
