I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Two words: blizzard sex
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
