Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
