I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
