He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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