Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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