If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
