I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so let's talk penis.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
