i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
