I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
