I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
