ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
