i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You can't special order awesome
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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