I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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