God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
