I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
