i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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