i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
