im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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