I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
