i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
What drink are we having for lunch?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
