I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
