What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
