Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
