why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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