it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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