Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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