I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize