I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
