I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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