okay pat passed out under dana's car
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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