Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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