OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize