I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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