My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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