Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
