ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
