Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
