I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
