talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
