we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Randomize
