i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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